Because what would I roll my eyes at if people didn’t use pet names in public?

There are a lot of things I consider cute, like kittens – actually that’s about it. Understandably not finding a lot of things as adorable as some people, I hate couples that use “cute” pet names in public – I feel like it would be less offensive if they just made out. Mostly I don’t know where people come up with the names, and why the other person lets it happen. I think I was most offended when my ex Adam addressed me as Kiddo and then on a separate occasion as Little Lady (this story was close to ending with “…and he was never seen again”). Being called kiddo especially bothered me because nothing says I respect you as an equal like using the same nickname reserved for parent/child relationships. Brent used to call me Rockstar which I actually didn’t mind, and it goes very well with what I call him now – Jackass.

But maybe this is where I’m going wrong in my relationships; maybe I’m just not letting the cuteness in. I decided to seek help from a website that has thoughtfully compiled loving pet name suggestions for that special person in your life. I now feel that I am set up for success and will be trying a few of these out on my next date. Below are my personal favorite choices from the list of what to call your guy;

Animal Cracker – excellent childhood associations, solid choice.
Butterball – ok, this could work in an ironic way… right?
Casanova – this one kind of screams “I think you’re a manwhore”, but whatevs.
Chef Of Love – …because he’s always cooking up something steamy.
Choo Choo – I would need a wooden train whistle for this one.
Diamond In The Rough – because underneath the ugly, he’s alright.
Huggy Bear – he was the missing Care Bear all along.
Lady Killer – this would only be cute in an alleged kind of way.
Ninja In Training – but how would I know when he’s a full ninja?
Old Faithful – this one may get confusing if there’s a dog in the room.
Wild Turkey – I think I might just be hungry at this point.
Wookie – this pet name would come with a gift certificate to the spa for back waxing.

You can see the full list of excellent suggestions here.

 

Flowers won’t keep me around, but let me lip-sync to 90’s hits and I’ll be yours forever…

I was actually hesitant to accept Brent’s initial invitation for our first date, to be fair I was confused if it was even an actual date. Our work had brought us together on a project and afterwards he ended up emailing me to see if I wanted to go for drinks sometime. Since he picked a Saturday night, I felt safe enough to assume it was a date and not a casual ‘business drink’. A few months earlier things had ended (not well) with a man that I quite liked, and the dates I had been on since hadn’t been great (I’m positive one guy was totally high during our date).  So I wasn’t holding my breath for anything special.

The reason I stuck things out for 3 months with Brent was because he showed so much promise at the beginning, but especially on our first date. He let me pick where I wanted to go for drinks, so I picked my go-to after work spot, which is an oyster bar. I didn’t think twice about it until I showed up 10 minutes late and he had thoughtfully ordered a tray of oysters for us – I’m allergic to shellfish (my bad). Even though I told him I was fine without food he insisted on ordering something that I could eat.
During the date I told him that I’m not sure how I’ll ever be able to live with someone again after living on my own for so long. I was very concerned about having to use cutlery at home when I ate, and what would happen to my nightly lip-syncing performances of 90’s hits (fyi – tonight was Mariah’s classic, Always Be My Baby). He looked me straight in the eyes and said; “the right person will never let you change that.” And then followed it up with; “we’re going to go out again, and the next time we go out I want to hear about you. Not about your work, not about your friends, I want to learn about you.” Then he drove me home and waited until I got in the door before he drove away (a sure sign that he didn’t want me to be attacked before he got a second date *bonus*).

As we continued to see each other he picked up on my favorite habit of seeing how uncomfortable I can make a situation with sarcasm and oversharing, and was happy to keep me on my toes. I’m not even sure what date it was but we had gone back to his place after dinner.  I had decided to wear nylons that had black lines running up the back of the legs. He leaned towards me and said; “your nylons are very sexy.” In my most seductive voice I replied back; “thanks, they’re control top…” Not missing a beat or breaking character he said “that’s hot… and is this a pleather skirt? You’re spoiling me tonight.” I started cracking up after that.
On a different occasion we had come up with an inside joke about pineapples (best not to ask). To keep the joke going I had stopped into the grocery store so I could text him a picture to show him they were on sale. A few days later I was watching his tv show and he actually managed to work the word ‘pineapple’ into the conversation with his co-host. He also mentioned it on the show’s Twitter for good measure in case I wasn’t watching.

So it was the little things that kept me around for 3 months, because the little things made me smile in the middle of a work day. The little things also make it a bit easier to deal with the big thing that was being ignored, “the keyboardist”.

The problem with dating someone with the same personality as you is that there’s no one there to stop the crazy…

I can’t stress how important personality is to me when I’m dating a guy, especially because I bore easily. My mother says I was born one half of a comedy team – she’s not totally off base. I do often go for a male version of myself, which poses a lot of problems because there’s not always balance in the relationship. My rebounds however are right on the other side of the personality spectrum. My current rebound is great, but our almost-conversations always end in me saying “never mind” since he doesn’t understand sarcasm.

Right off the bat Brent picked up on my humor.  Not only did he understand the jokes I was making but he would one-up them, and back and forth we would go until one of us couldn’t think of a comeback. I always had fun when I was with him, but the thing about similar personalities is that you can’t bullshit, because the other one will know what you’re doing.
The truth about Brent is that shortly before he asked me out he had broken up with his long-term girlfriend. But she wasn’t out of his life because she was still in his “band” (I stick with the quotation marks on that one). During the 3 months we saw each other he would always refer to her as “the keyboardist” – never by name.

The first couple of dates I didn’t expect him to bring her up, I mean, the relationship had just ended and he probably didn’t want to get into a whole discussion about how he still has to see her all the time. So I sat on my knowledge of his past. My friends said that he probably wasn’t bringing her up because he didn’t think that it was a big deal. But as time went on, it seemed odd he hadn’t even mentioned her to me. Around our 5th date, almost a month into seeing each other I decided to broach the subject. While he was talking about his band I asked him who the original members were, knowing full well that his ex-girlfriend (the keyboardist) was the only answer. But instead of answering me he deflected my question and changed the topic. That’s when I knew his game – he would never tell me a direct lie, but he would deflect and he would omit.  His game is eerily similar to mine, and it was almost like a new challenge.

I probably should have just either called him out on it then, or ended things. But the writer inside told me to stick it out for a while longer, because things were just about to get good.

I’m just going to keep talking and make this date even more awkward than we thought it could be…

When I try to “play it cool” I suddenly feel like I’m back to being an awkward 13 year-old standing in front of my French class. “Cool” is a second language to me, and although I’ve tried in vain to present myself that way before, I will always be a very clumsy girl who tends to over-think and over-share in awkward situations. I’ve come to accept this (and I will tell you that it actually takes talent to trip over nothing).  The fact is that I can only laugh at myself, because if I took myself seriously I would spend every day in bed, under the covers.

Case in point – my second date with Brent. Now, although I foreshadowed a tragic ending to the 3 months I dated Brent, things actually started out really well.  The first date had been great, he is a gentleman when he wants to be and has excellent date etiquette. But this second date was already putting me out of my comfort zone because it was a lunch date, which meant it was in the middle of the day. I am not used to being out at the same time as the sun; I enjoy the mask of darkness on a date.

The actual lunch portion of the date was typical with decent conversation, but here’s where I go off the tracks. After lunch he offers to walk me home (because he’s a gentleman and doesn’t want me to get attacked in the daylight). I live downtown and walk everywhere, this restaurant was honestly 3 blocks from my place. Somehow we walked past my street and I didn’t notice until we were two blocks past it…. then I spent another 4 blocks trying to decide if I was going to tell him or if I was just going to pick a random building and pretend I lived there. (I swear I’m not an idiot, I was just busy over-thinking things). The problem with picking a random building was that my key wouldn’t work in the door, and then I thought that would be even harder to explain. So 6 blocks past my street I finally told him I lived waaaay back the other way.

Then things got worse when we actually got to my building. We hadn’t kissed on the first date; naturally I figure this date would end with a kiss. Except it was the middle of the day and I wasn’t entirely sure what ‘day date’ protocol is regarding a first kiss. I thanked him for a nice time and I thought he was just giving me a hug goodbye, so I turned my head away returning the hug – unfortunately realizing too late that he was actually trying to kiss me. I jerked my head back trying to fix the situation, over-correcting a little too much and ended up kissing his nose. (Dear god.) He actually said “Wow that was terrible.”(It really was.) So we tried again, with much more success the second time, but being the spaz that I am I decided to end the date by saying, “Ok, I should probably go inside because my neighbours are going to be like ‘Really Becca? Making out in front of the building… again?!’”. He smiled politely, humoring me…
I was a little unsure why he actually called me for another date, but I like to think I came off as endearing.  And the great thing was that I knew he actually wanted to go out with me, and not a ‘cool girl’ version of me.

It’s a breakup, it’s not really open for negotiation…

I’ve been through a few breakups, some of them actual breakups where we sit down and talk like adults, and in my not so proud moments, some of them over text message.  The hard thing with a breakup is knowing what to say. You don’t want to outright hurt the other person, so how do you say “I can’t be with you anymore because everything you do makes me want to hit you with a shovel”? I think the funniest breakup I ever had was when the guy I was dating refused to actually accept that it was happening.

I had been seeing Josh for about 2 months and everything had started out great. He was an amazing guy, unbelievably thoughtful, super successful, good looking, great house, car, motorcycle, etc. Honestly, I felt ridiculous because I had really hit the jackpot finding him but there was something missing. It was the spark, there was just nothing there, I thought at some point it might show up, but I was ready to finally breakup with him. Also he was looking for a serious relationship and I just wasn’t.

I decided to do it the day after his birthday, so we were already off to a not great start. He came to my place to pick me up and I decided that I would go out and do it in the car. This is how the break up went;

Josh “Hey, you look good. So what do you want to do? Do you want to go for a walk or go to my place and hang out?” (I felt because he complimented me I would try to be extra nice.)

Me“Actually, I need to talk to you about something. I think that right now isn’t really a great time for us to be doing this. You’re amazing and so considerate, but I’m super busy with work and I just feel like it’s not fair to you that I can’t give you the time that you deserve. I’m sorry, I’m terrible person for doing this, but I think it’s best that we stop seeing each other. “

Josh “Wow, I think we can make this work though.” (Right, here’s where it starts to go downhill because I hadn’t prepared anything past that first part.)

Me“Yeah, I just don’t see it happening. This is really all about me, and I’m terrible. I like to go out with my friends and have fun, and I’m not ready to settle down. I’m sorry”

Josh “Well, you sound like you have low self esteem, and I think this is something that we can work though.” (And this is where I stopped trying to be nice, because my self-esteem is not low, if anything it’s delusionally high.)

Me“Right. You know what? This actually isn’t about me, this is about you. I can’t see you anymore because you’re driving me crazy. We’ve been dating for barely two months and you’re planning an insane two-week vacation for us. I’ve told you I don’t want to go on your motorcycle and you wont let it go. You keep trying to sneakily take candid photos of me on your phone; do you seriously think I don’t notice? And honestly, do you need to document every moment of your life like a 15-year-old girl? And for the love of god, the attempts at pda – why can’t you understand that I don’t want to make out with you in the coffee shop I have to show my face in everyday. And since I started going there with you, none of the straight male baristas give me free coffee anymore, so you owe me like $30.00 in damages.” (I may have been too harsh)

Josh“I really think you’re confused right now. We can work.” He said nonchalantly as he smiled.

[me staring at him with look of half shock, half disbelief]

Josh“So did you want to get coffee before we go to my place?”

Me“What?!? Did you not just hear any of that? We’ve broken up; we’re not seeing each other anymore. Ever.”

Josh“I’ll tell you what, how about I’ll give you some time to really think about this. I don’t think this is really what you want. (yes it is) So I’ll give you 5 days. If I haven’t heard from you in 5 days I will call you and we’ll talk about this some more. But I know you’ll change you’re mind.”

[Still look of shock on my face]

Me“Right. I’m going to go, and I’m not going to call you, and please don’t call me.”

[He leans over to kiss me]

Me“OH MY GOD! ARE YOU KIDDING RIGHT NOW?!”

I got out of the car and left him sitting in front of my building. He did call, I didn’t answer. He also started showing up places randomly for a while, which is really the sign of a terrible stalker when you can’t even stay hidden. But as far as break ups go, that really has turned out to be the funniest one.

And who knows, maybe he’s still stalking me and he’s just gotten really good at it.

You’re not in a real relationship until 500 facebook friends can comment on what you two ate for breakfast…

The best thing that ever happened for single people on the internet was when facebook finally allowed you to filter whose updates you saw in your newsfeed. That was the day that I no longer had to deal with the constant steam of updates from the over sharing friends and acquaintances in relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure my constant ‘single girl’ updates of  “Hooray for vodka” & “I have no responsibilities and can stay out as late as I want, and do whatever I choose.” probably gets annoying for them too. (I don’t actually say that last one, but it’s usually implied)

My biggest issue is really only with the people in relationships that feel the need to broadcast their actual private lives on facebook. I’m talking about the couples that live together and yet constantly write how they feel on each other’s wall. Not to stereotype, but women are usually the worst for it. And it’s the same women everyday that write something along the lines of “I’m the luckiest girl in the world, I love you so much, I couldn‘t live without you” & “I can’t wait to see my baby when he gets home from work tonight”… has he even left for work, or is he still lying in bed beside you while you ignore him to update facebook instead? Call me crazy, but I feel like it might mean more and keep the intimacy with your significant other if you told them [face to face] how you feel instead of on facebook. (Side story: A girl on my facebook once wrote that thanks to her new boyfriend she “was living in a ferry tale”. Now, maybe I’m judging too quickly and she actually was dating some sort of pirate, but I’m pretty sure that‘s not what she meant.)

Anyway, these are also the same people whose photo album content usually goes something like; couple-photo, couple-photo, selfie-in-a-bathroom-mirror, couple-photo-kissing, duck-face-selfie, food-shot, food-shot/couple-photo.

And God help us all when the relationship comes to an end, because suddenly facebook has now been turned into free therapy while they solicit sympathy from anyone that will acknowledge their [not so] cryptic updates about how they’ll never love again.

Although I sometimes miss writing sarcastic comments on their status updates, I save about 7 eye rolls a day by not having to read them anymore. So a huge ’thank you’ Mark Zukerberg, I will consider this your Valentine to me as I celebrate another year with Jose Cuervo.

I would tell a liar that their pants are on fire, but it’s much more fun to watch them burn…

Nick considered himself very smooth when it came to women, and I believe he thought he was much smarter than me since he was a few years older. Technically speaking he was a “cheap thrill” guy that I mistakenly put in the  category of “openly dateable” guy.
He was a habitual liar, and still is, I’m sure. I’m also sure he was used to dating very gullible women, which I am not.

I was just getting home from a coffee with a friend and Nick was supposed to come by so we could hang out for a bit. This is the first time I caught him outright lying. It was over text message, involved my friend Hanna and perfect timing;

Me – “Hey, I’m home now, so whenever you want to come over…”
Nick- “Cool, I’m just writing a paper at home, I’ll be maybe another half an hour”
Me – “Of course, take your time”

Hanna – “Hey, I’m at my friend Bill’s house and that guy Nick that you’re seeing is here”
Me – “Are you sure? He just told me he was writing a paper at home.”
Hanna – “Positive, he’s sitting beside me”
Me – “Excellent. I’ll have a funny story for you later. I’ll call you.”

Nick – “Almost done! Last Paragraph!”
Me – “Excellent”
Nick – “Ok, I’m just leaving my house; I’ll be there in about 15”
Me – “Can’t wait!”

When Nick got there I was very happy to see him, we sat on the couch and I made sure he sat at the end, against the arm of the couch. We chit chatted for a few minutes, then I said;

“I want you to know, I like you, and the only thing that’s really important to me is honesty. As long as you’re always honest with me, everything will be good.”

Without missing a beat he said;
“I agree, there’s nothing worse then lying, I would never do that. I could never lie.”

At this point he had made it too easy. So I smiled said “excellent” and gave him a kiss. I was sitting beside him, so I put both of my legs over his; effectively trapping him between the arm of the couch and myself.

“So” I said, “what was your paper on?”
“uuuhh, nothing important, it’s boring stuff” he replied.
“I’m interested.”
“Medical chemistry stuff” he said
“Ooo that is boring. I’m happy you were able to finish though.”
“Yeah, I wish I could have come over sooner”
“Me too.”
I gave him another kiss and then said;
“I know what I was going to tell you! Funniest thing; my friend Hanna, is friends with your friend Bill. I actually think you may know Hanna. You were sitting beside her tonight.”

He turned white as a ghost and he had no where to go. The only regret I have is not taking a picture of the look on his face with my phone. The thing that scares guys is when you keep a calm nonchalant attitude during a moment like this, they expect you to yell at them and get emotional. When you don’t they can’t read you and have no idea what’s going through your head (although I’m positive no one really wants to know what goes through my head). I told Nick that it would be wise if he left.

I didn’t care that he was at his friend’s house, but liars make me angry. And it really was an unbelievable amount of fun for me.

Let go of the branch, then we’ll talk…

A few years ago I was being heavily pursued by a man that had a girlfriend. He had been with his girlfriend for 3 years, she was beautiful, yet he kept asking me out. He would phone me at all the time just to talk, and I would ask him where his girlfriend was. Eventually I just stopped picking up his calls and he developed a healthy relationship with my answering machine. It went a little something like this;

“You’ve reached Becca; sorry I couldn’t answer your call (no I wasn’t), please leave a message.”
Beep
“Hey, it’s Sam, just wondering what you’re doing. Call me back.” (I’m avoiding you)
Beep
“Hey, I’m just going to get dinner, do you want to come? Call me back.” (nope)
Beep
“Hey, I’m at Earls if you want to come meet me.” (no chance)
Beep
“I’m just leaving Earls, wanted to let you know in case you were on your way down here, I’ll wait 10 more minutes just in case.” (please hold your breath)
Beep
“We must have missed each other, but give me a call, we can hang out tomorrow if you’re free.” (haha, oook. I’d rather take up with the homeless man that lives in the dumpster. I believe his name is Oscar)
Beep
THIS RECIPIENT’S VOICEMAIL INBOX IS FULL (thank god)

I couldn’t understand why he was turning borderline Fatal Attraction when he was the one that had a girlfriend. I was talking to my friend Nikki about it and she simply said that he’s a “monkey”. I asked her to please elaborate.
A “monkey” is someone who won’t get rid of their boyfriend or girlfriend, even though they don’t want to be with them anymore, that is until they’re sure they have another one lined up to take that persons place. Like a monkey won’t let go of one branch until he’s sure he has another branch in his other hand to swing to.
I’ve never had anything make more sense to me. After she said that I’ve noticed many other people who display this same behavior (not to the same stalkerish degree as Sam) but it’s definitely there.
So I have to ask; is it really that scary for some people to be alone? Is it worth staying with someone you’re no longer interested in just because it’s become comfortable? If I don’t have those feelings for someone anymore, staying with them is the last thing that I’m going to do.
And please, you tell me you’ll leave your girlfriend for me (that’s major disrespect to the girlfriend). What makes me think you won’t be telling another girl the same thing once we’re together?
Let go of the branch first and maybe then we’ll talk.

A Little Competition is Healthy…

I remember reading an article a couple of years ago that suggested you date 3 men at the same time. It said you should tell each of them about the other one, and sleep with none of them. The idea behind this was that by dating 3 guys, you learn quickly what you like and don’t like and you can pick the guy that suites you best.
I did manage to find 3 guys and I dated them all at the same time. Never Again. It was absolutely exhausting, took up all of my free time, and to top it off I got them confused. I forgot what guy I was talking to on the phone and started mentioning a date that he didn’t take me on. After this I decided dating 2 guys at the same time was my limit.

I did however discover a wonderful secret that I use even if I’m only dating one guy. Sense of competition = extra effort on his part. Around the 3rd date, I usually sit the guy down beside me (this is key), put on my most innocent face and have a talk with him. By now I have it memorized;
“I just wanted to let you know, because I want to be totally honest, and it’s not a big deal, but I am seeing someone else as well. I started seeing him around the same time I started seeing you. Obviously it’s not serious, and I’m not sleeping with either of you. But I just thought you should know.”
Here is where his ego takes over; 9 out of 10 times, he’ll play it cool, sometimes the guy will even say they’re dating someone else too. After you get his reaction back, give him a relieved smile, take his arm, put it around you and snuggle up to him. I’ll wager $100 that he’s thinking about that other guys arm around you.

Men are naturally competitive, after I tell a guy that I’m seeing someone else besides him, his effort and attention paid to me increases exponentially. They can’t stand the thought of losing a girl to another guy (especially fun if you put a fresh bouquet of flowers on your table and you tell him they’re from “a friend” when he asks. Because then you’ll have 2 bouquets of flowers, or jewellery if you’re really lucky).

It boils down to this, although every guy I’ve ever dated has said “I don’t play games, I don’t like games” they All play games. Dating is a game; it’s relationships that are work. So I suggest always having fun with dating but remember that men do have feelings too (especially the overly emotional ones) so be nice.

No, you can’t cry on my shoulder; I’m wearing silk…

I’ll be honest; I’m not the most emotional person in the world. I’ll get loud, I may get frustrated occasionally, but emotional I am not. I like to think it’s the delightful mix of supplements (full of “naturally occurring” caffeine) and Ritalin that keep me in my happy disposition. But there seems to suddenly be an epidemic of overly emotional men.
I’m not talking about sensitive; if a guy can appreciate how adorable a puppy is, or adopts an orphan in Africa off TV, I get that. I’m talking about the secure confident males that are being replaced with insecure, overly emotional males.

Recently I was to go on a date with a grown, 35 year old man. He had to reschedule our date, to which my response was “of course, no worries” because really it’s not a big deal. So when I had to do the same thing to him a few days later, imagine my shock to receive a message back saying; “Omg! I’m sooooooooo sad!” – That by the way is not an exaggeration – there really were nine o’s on that so.
My friend Valerie was dating a guy, who was a little insecure, but he was cute and nice so she was ok with it. That is until the day he lost it in public. They got into a light argument downtown, nothing of real importance, really no big deal. Then out of no where he started bawling; tears, hyperventilating the whole 9 yards. In public!
Another friend told me she had 2 of her male friends crying in her arms over their ex-girlfriends in the same month.

Call me old fashioned, but I like my men to be just a little tougher. I want to know that if something jumps out of the bushes, you’re not going to use me as a human shield.
So the next time a man starts to get overly emotional, just look deep into his eyes and say what we’ve heard for decades; “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”